put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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