somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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