You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
