Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
