woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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