I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
