i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
