its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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