I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
