dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
