watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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