Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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