I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
