I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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