Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
