we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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