I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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