You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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