One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
