I accidentally had phone sex last night
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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