watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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