I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
