I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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