i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
