if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I love having hate sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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