my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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