Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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