how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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