i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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