god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That accounts for only three of the penises
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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