I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
