My first STD was from a foam party
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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