Cold hands, warm shart.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
