apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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