I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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