i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
