This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Such a big mess for such a small penis
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
