If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
