Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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