i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
