he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
