Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
