is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
