Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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