When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
