im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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