she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
