you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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