everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
