Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
