Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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