so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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